How to Disappear Completely

I am currently hanging out in the Denver airport en route to San Francisco for, mind-bogglingly enough, a 3 hour meeting tomorrow morning. I really AM proud to be an American, y'all!


Anyway, it has been a while since I've taken Frontier anywhere, but it turns out they have nice roomy seats AND in-seat entertainment- who knew? Unfortunately, these seemingly innocuous accoutrements ultimately led to me watching the cinematic atrocity known as Jumper, a veritable Swiss cheese of a screenplay that someone threw special effects at and cried "SHINY! PICTURES!"

I have to confess that I will often watch movies despite horrible reviews, especially in the sci-fi and horror genres. Because I understand this affliction, I feel it is my duty to relieve others of any inclination to watch this movie- even out of morbid curiosity. Thus, for the benefit of anyone who may read this entry, I present the 2 minute recap of the film. Trust me when I say a) I'm not leaving anything out and b) if you're confused, rest assured that I was just as confused if not more so.

Jumper (Abridged)

Anakin: I hate my life but have recently discovered that I can teleport.
Hot Girl: Thank you for the crappy snow globe you bought me. I will never forget you.
Anakin’s Dad: You’re a failure! I’m an alcoholic! Let’s fight!
Anakin: No! Nothing’s been the same since Mom disappeared when I was five years old! *zoop*
Anakin’s Dad: Where did he go? Now I am crazy!
Anakin: Ha! I can rob banks and see the world for the next 8 years!
Samuel L. Jackson: I am Samuel L. Jackson. I will kill this m***er f***er because I hate him so, so much.
Hot Girl: You’re back! I haven’t done anything with my life for 8 years!
Anakin: Look how hot I got, too. Let’s fly to Rome and get busy in the Coliseum.
Hot Girl: My instincts tell me that you’re not being completely honest with me, but hey- Rome! Why not?
Italian Police: Grazi, prego, eh?
Billy Elliot: Bitch, please- I can teleport way better than you. Also, you should watch out for Samuel L. Jackson and his ancient society of teleporter-haters.
Anakin: Eek! Perhaps I have endangered those I love!
Diane Lane: Pretty much.
Anakin: MOM?!?!
Diane Lane: Gotta jet!
Anakin: I think we’d better send you back to America.
Hot Girl: Oh, sigh . . .
Billy Elliot: Get out of my private Mongolian cave!
Anakin: No, let’s take down Samuel L. Jackson together.
Samuel L. Jackson: Stupid cracker. I’ll kill his dad and go after the hot girl.
Anakin’s Dad: MURDERED (???)!!!!
Anakin: NOOOOOOO!
Hot Girl: Why did you make me fly home from Rome all by myself? And . . . why am I in a private Mongolian cave all of a sudden?
Billy Elliot: Great- now we have to introduce a vague, box-like machine that will allow Samuel L. Jackson to follow us as we teleport to continue the plot-line.
Anakin: Sorry. It’s probably all my fault.
Billy Elliot: It’s OK. I can outwit him and then blow up everything with my bomb!
Hot Girl: JACKSONED!!!!
Anakin: NOOOOOO! You can’t blow everything up- Samuel L. Jackson has just kidnapped my girlfriend!
Billy Elliot: Too bad!
Anakin: I will fight you across the globe!
Billy Elliot: CHECHNYAED!!!!
Anakin: Honey? Is that you tied up and gagged in there?
Samuel L. Jackson: Ha ha ha! Now we have him!
Anakin: Yo, back off me and my girl. See, I’m not evil because I don’t kill you when I have the chance.
Samuel L. Jackson: GRAND CANYONED!!!! [puts hands on hips, shakes head, chuckles]
Anakin: So you’re in the secret society of teleporter-haters, too, Mom?
Diane Lane: Pretty much. You’d better jet!
Anakin: Ok, I love you!
Diane Lane: Right back atcha!
Hot Girl: Tee hee- everything is fine! Let’s go to the beach!
Anakin: Tee hee- OK!

THE END